


Pause

by ennui_ephemera



Series: Pause and Restart My Heart [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Car Accidents, Coma, Hospitals, M/M, Nightmares, eventual happy ending i swear, eventually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-02-10 11:53:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12911391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ennui_ephemera/pseuds/ennui_ephemera
Summary: Andrew Minyard often got 2am cravings for ice cream. He would often get up and drive to the store to pick some up if they were out. Neil Josten would often go with him on these night time outings.It was not often that they would be hit by a drunk driver.After a bad car accident that lands Neil in the hospital, Andrew deals with the aftermath and the fact that Neil might not wake up.





	1. Chapter 1

Steam swirled into the air, reminding Andrew too much of late nights on the roof and cigarette smoke. He glared at the cup of coffee from the café downstairs. One of the foxes-Nicky probably- had given it to him, shoving it into his hands when they passed the other cups out. He didn’t take a drink; he didn’t ask for it, and he didn’t want it either. 

The headache lingered, but by now it was just a dull throb behind his eyes, where once it had felt like someone taking a hammer to the back of his head. _A concussion,_ the doctors had said. His arm also hurt, when he moved it too quickly. It was in a sling, a dislocated shoulder. Other than a couple of scratches and bruises, he was fine. _Fine._ Andrew wanted to scoff. 

Andrew hated him. Neil. _Neil,_ who was in surgery right now. Neil, who had hit his head so hard Andrew swore he could hear it over the crunching metal and shattering glass. If Andrew closed his eyes he could remember every single detail from before the crash, perfectly preserved in his memory; The steady music coming from the radio so low neither Neil or Andrew could really hear it, the quiet hum of the Maserati’s wheels over the road, Neil idly looking out the window with his chin propped up in his hand. Of course Neil had insisted on coming with Andrew when he got two-in-the-morning chocolate chunk ice cream cravings.

He could remember the crash, too. Unlike most of his memories, he remembers it in slow motion snapshots. _Click._ The car crossed the intersection. _Click._ A flash of headlights, a shriek of tires against asphalt. _Click._ Neil's head snapping up as Andrew throws his arm across his chest.

Andrew had tried to slam on the breaks- more out of reflex than the knowledge that it would save them- but he wasn’t fast enough. The other car careened into the Maserati with a loud _crash_ , and Andrew slammed into his door hard enough to send a jolt of pain shooting up his arm and knock the breath out of him. The airbags went off, and the last thing Andrew saw was Neil’s limp body lurching forward against his seat belt. 

A set of footsteps alerted Andrew to the arrival of someone else into the waiting room. He jerked his head up and ignored the sudden dizziness and nausea that made his head ache more. Andrew blinked away the blurriness from his eyes and searched the faces for the doctor. But it was just Abby with some more foxes. Andrew grit his teeth together and cursed anyone and everyone in the room. 

Abby, her face wrinkled in concern, immediately went to Wymack’s side, who was still pacing by the door, and gently placed her hand in the crook of his elbow. They exchanged a few words, but Andrew turned his attention on the other foxes, not caring what they were saying. Dan and Matt still stood in the doorway, clutching each other’s hands in white-knuckled grips. Their faces were pale and Matt looked like he was going to be sick. Allison pushed her way past them and Kevin (who was slumped in his chair, staring at the scar on the back of his left hand- _and if he was thinking about goddamn exy Andrew would strangle him and make sure to finish the job this time-_ ) and plopped down into one of the seats before turning a glare on the other foxes. She said something to Robin and Nicky- who was near disconsolate in his seat by now- and watched as Renee made her way towards Andrew. 

Andrew kept his face neutral, trying to wipe clean any trace of emotion, but he couldn’t quite unclench his jaw and smooth the furrow from his brow. He decided to blame it on the concussion. An itch in the back of his head whispered warnings of losing control, but that voice was always there, buried deep in his mind where he didn't have to listen to it. Renee looked calmer than the other foxes, she always was the true eye of the storm, but her knuckles were white from where her fingers were tangled in her cross necklace. Andrew imagined the chain breaking in half, the silver cross clattering to the floor. She carefully seated herself to Andrew’s left, but didn’t say anything.

Andrew was aware of his brother’s heavy stare on him, as Aaron hadn’t let his gaze wander from Andrew’s face for more than a couple seconds at a time since he had gotten there- but Andrew wouldn’t return his look. Aaron was sitting across the room from him, a couple chairs down from Nicky. He hadn’t said a word to anyone. 

For what could have been minutes or hours, the waiting room was quiet except for Nicky’s sobs and the occasional prayers Renee would murmur to herself. Wymack- who seemed to be the calmest and most collected of all of them- went up to the front desk a couple times to ask about Neil, but he didn’t seem to get a lot of information. The foxes would turn hopeful looks on him, but would quickly glance away and grimace every time Wymack would give a stiff shake of his head. 

Andrew swallowed something bitter in his throat and slammed the coffee down on the table. He leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms over his chest, ignoring the startled glances the foxes were giving him. Nicky looked stricken, his eyes were wide and his lips were twisted down in an unhappy frown. It was the same look on his face he wore before he tried to hug Andrew, years ago after a different kind of tragedy. Hopefully he would have learned by now that Andrew carried knives. 

Finally, when Andrew thought he would snap from the noxious chemical fumes used to clean every inch of this place, one of the doctors walked into the room accompanied by a nurse. Andrew’s attention snapped to her like a cat to a bird, and before he gave the command, he basically leapt up the second they approached Wymack. He ignored his stomach churning and the slight tremble in his steps. “I am going to see him.” he said. It wasn't a question. It wasn't _can I see him?_ Nothing would stop Andrew Minyard from seeing Neil Josten.

Alarmed faces glanced at Andrew at the sudden command in his voice. It was rough and coarse from disuse, but Andrew refused to clear it. The doctor turned her tired gaze from Wymack to Andrew. Her lips thinned before giving him a quick shake of her head. “Mr. Josten has just gotten out of surgery and is still unconscious, but he is stable. Unfortunately, I can’t let anyone but his immediate family-“

Andrew was already reaching for his knives before the doctor could finish the sentence, but Wymack, from years of exposure to Andrew and his antics, knew it was coming and grabbed his arm, swinging him away from the doctor. Andrew had half a thought to wrench himself free and force his way past the doctor but she continued, throwing a wary look at his armbands. “…I can probably let you in, but there are a few things you need to know first.”

The doctor paused before returning her attention back to Wymack. Andrew pushed back his growing anger and impatience to listen to the doctor’s words. “Mr. Josten sustained major head trauma which caused bleeding within his brain tissue. We were able to take care of the intracerebral hemorrhage and staunch the bleeding, but I’m afraid some major damage was already done.”

“What does that mean? Will Neil be alright?” An onslaught of questions was hurled at the doctor, several more people had risen to their feet. Andrew stayed silent, but his eyes never left the doctor’s lined face. She hesitated, whether it was because she was choosing her next words carefully or to let the room go quiet again, Andrew didn’t care which.

“We won’t know the extent of the damage until Mr. Josten- Neil- wakes up. However,” the doctor paused again. Andrew huffed impatiently and shifted forward. The doctor shot another glance his way and continued. “there is a chance that Neil Josten may not wake up.”

 _There is a chance that Neil Josten may not wake up._ Andrew shoved the doctor out of his way and pushed the doors open to the ER, ignoring the indignant squawk of the nurse and Wymack and Dan’s demands to call him back. 

“Sir! You cannot- _Sir!_ ” The nurse made a wild snatch for Andrew that he dodged and steadfastly searched the doors. He didn’t care that he did not know which room Neil was in, Andrew would find him. A heavy hand landed on Andrew’s bad shoulder and nearly stopped him in his tracks. Andrew spun around to face the nurse, getting ready to land a heavy blow to his ribs (the tip of Andrew’s head barely reached to the middle of the man’s chest), but Wymack once again stopped his hand from reaching its mark. This time, Andrew did yank his arm from Wymack’s grip and took two steps toward the man keeping him from Neil.

“Andrew, hold on for just one fucking second.” Wymack stepped in between the nurse and Andrew, acting as the dam between Andrew and his rage. Andrew’s body was tense, his breathing slow and labored, and every inch of his body trembled with barely restrained violence. But he moved his attention from the nurse, who looked ready to call security, to Wymack.

Wymack’s eyes, sharp and intent, kept Andrew pinned in place. “What.” Andrew managed through grit teeth. 

“We can see Neil. Doc says that that’s okay, but only if you calm your ass down and behave. He’s in room 301.”

~ ~ ~

Andrew restlessly tapped his fingers on his arm as he, Wymack, and the nurse made their way to room 301. Nausea still tugged at Andrew’s stomach, but he didn’t allow the others to see the slight waver to his steps. His head hurt, and bolts of pain attacked his shoulder every time Andrew jostled it too much, but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle. 

When Andrew woke up some time after the accident, he couldn’t make a lot of sense about what was going on around him. His awareness come back to him slowly; at first with the pounding behind his eyelids, the throbbing all over his body, then the cool night air that touched his skin and his back where it was pressed to the rough road. Sound came later. The wail of sirens and people shouting back and forth, and although it sounded distant and distorted, it was a stark contrast to the quiet he had left behind. His thoughts moved with the grace of an eighty-year old man. _Why was he laying on the ground? Why did his body hurt?_

Suddenly, Andrew registered the hands on him. He jerked away and lashed at whoever was holding his arm. His fist hit something hard and someone let out a startled yelp. Andrew’s eyes flew open and he saw blurry shapes rushing around the scene. He pushed himself up, ignoring his body screaming at him to stop. The fast movement did nothing to help his head, and the world tilted sideways a bit as his legs almost gave out in an unsteady wobble. He planted his hand against his knee to ground himself, and while he swung with his right hand, his left shoulder was engulfed in flames. Images came back to him so slowly it was like wading through a sea of syrup. The car, the flash of headlights and screech of tires, _Neil._

Someone yelled something at him, but it was in all the other noise. Andrew swerved, searching for the mop of auburn curls, still mussed from sleep. He stumbled, his eyes flicked from face to face, past the twisted black metal of the Maserati and the red truck that had hit it. Lights flashed and popped in Andrew’s vision and he couldn’t tell if it was from the bump on his head, or the police and firetrucks scattered everywhere. Something ugly swirled in the depths of Andrews chest, something sharp and dark that made it hard for Andrew to draw air into his lungs. _Breathe. Breathe, breathe, breathe._ He could pick the glass out of his heart later, right now he had to find Neil.

And he did find him. Neil, unconscious and looking far too close to dead than Andrew would have liked, was being loaded onto a stretcher and into the ambulance. Andrew made a beeline towards him, faintly aware of a pair of paramedics trailing after him. Andrew’s breaths came out in ragged pants now, the cold night air stung as he drew it in with desperate streams through his mouth. He shoved one of the paramedics who was working on Neil away and crouched by the stretcher. Voices rose to shouts and hands grabbed at Andrew’s arms as someone barred their arm across his chest. Andrew batted them away and ignored the burning in his muscles. He grabbed a handful of Neil’s hoodie with one fist and slipped his other hand underneath Neil’s neck. 

The back of Neil's neck was cold and his head lolled to the side. “Neil.” Andrew shook the front of Neil’s hoodie, but Neil stayed unresponsive. The entire left side of his face was swelling and smeared with blood. A large gash on his temple curved down from his hairline to his eyebrow.

One of the paramedics shouted at Andrew, but Andrew tightened his grip on Neil. “Get away from us.” Andrew snarled, venom showing through the cracks in his composure. More people were gathering around them now, a couple police officers weaved through the people and medical equipment on the ground, probably to pull Andrew away from Neil and slap cuffs on Andrew's wrists.

“Sir, if you do not let us attend to him and get him into the ambulance _right now,_ this man will die,” the paramedic urged. Andrew was breaking, splitting at the seams, and without Neil there to buffer, Andrew was downright _murderous._ Another paramedic put her hand over Andrew’s tight fist in Neil’s hoodie. She probably meant it as a comforting gesture or to ease Andrew’s hands away, but Andrew jerked away from her grip as if she had burned him.

But Andrew did move away. The separation did terrible things to his chest, but as long as he kept Neil in view, he’d manage. The paramedics quickly loaded Neil onto the ambulance, and when Andrew forced his way on after them, they barely gave him a second glance. 

Andrew’s heart rate sped up when they finally reached the door to Neil’s room. Nurses bustled in and out, but Andrew was fully prepared to push them all out of his way. Nothing could keep him from seeing Neil. Luckily, he didn’t have to push or shove anyone. The nurses moved around him like a river around stones, they barely looked up except to acknowledge the nurse- Joseph, they called him- that had led them there. 

With a couple long strides, Andrew was finally by Neil’s side. He clutched the bars of the hospital bed hard enough to hear it creak and drank in every detail of Neil’s face. Neil’s head was bandaged over the gash on his forehead, but Andrew could see darkening bruises peeking through. The blood was cleaned from his face, revealing other cuts and scrapes. Both of his eyes were blackened, and his lip was split, but that seemed to be the most of the damage. Although his expression was completely slack and devoid of anything, he was still breathing. He was still alive. 

Joseph was talking again, explaining the other injuries Neil had received-two fractured ribs, minor internal bleeding- and all the ways they stitched Neil Josten back together. Andrew listened, his eyes flicking to the parts of Neil that Joseph described. Looking at Neil made Andrew’s chest hurt, similar to the times before the accident when he would watch Neil, but traces of urgency and panic were laced underneath his skin where they weren’t before. Andrew felt scattered, and he didn’t know where to start to pull his pieces back together. 

****

~ ~ ~

The nurses were adamant that only two or three people visited Neil at a time. Since Andrew refused to move from Neil’s side, instead opting to sit in one of the chairs, the foxes came in pairs of two. After Wymack left, Nicky and Robin took his place. Robin chewed her lip and alternated looking between Neil and Andrew. Nicky took to hovering at the end of Neil’s bed. He wasn’t crying anymore, but his face was puffy and splotchy. He kept nervously shuffling from foot to foot and shooting worried glances at Andrew. He wanted to say something, Andrew knew, but he stayed quiet anyways.

Andrew drifted in and out of focus, not really noticing when people came and went. A couple times, nurses would breeze in and fidget with Neil’s IV, or mess with his monitor, but they would leave soon enough again. Aaron only came in once, with Renee. But he didn’t say anything and he only stood in the doorway for a couple short minutes before leaving again. 

Now that the last of the adrenaline had left his system, Andrew could feel the exhaustion settling in his bones. His head hadn’t stopped pounding since he arrived at the hospital, but it subsided to a dull ache after a few hours. Sitting hunched in the plastic hospital chair, Andrew kept shifting around to find a comfortable spot, but after a couple minutes that position would start to hurt too. 

~ ~ ~ 

The sun was nearly up by the time most of the foxes had returned to the dorm. Once or twice Renee or Nicky would ask if Andrew needed anything- which he would ignore- or try to convince him to eat something, or get some rest- which Andrew would also ignore. He hadn’t said a word since demanding to see Neil, and that was hours ago. 

Wymack knocked on the door gently and eyed Andrew up and down. Andrew didn’t bother returning the look. He saw Wymack come in the room and lean against the wall across from Andrew in his peripheral vision, but Andrew kept his eyes firmly fixed on Neil. Wymack was looking at Neil- who hadn’t even moved a finger the entire time Andrew was in the room- before clearing his throat. “It’s going to be alright, kid.”

That’s all he said, but it made Andrew grit his teeth. He couldn’t possibly know that it was going to be alright. Andrew knew Wymack wasn’t an optimist, and the statement had grated on Andrew’s fraying nerves. He was sick of hearing that. As long as Neil was unconscious, it was not going to be okay. 

Andrew hadn’t realized hollow numbness had taken over his system until the sudden rise of anger rushed into his chest and filled every vein in his body. He wanted to break something, fight someone. Andrew imagined his fist going through the wall in a shower of plaster and splintered wood, cracking the bones in his hand. He thought about throwing the chair at the window or destroying the heart monitor. For several seconds all he could see was violence. He hadn’t realized his hands were shaking until Wymack let out a tired sigh. 

Andrew finally looked up at Wymack. He was still watching Neil; his eyes settled on the rise and fall of Neil’s chest. Wymack looked every inch exhausted as Andrew felt. There were dark shadows under his eyes, and the lines on his face seemed deeper. He was the first person Andrew had called when the doctors were done fixing his shoulder and checking his concussion. 

_“Andrew, is there any reason why you are calling me at three-in-the-fucking-morning-“  
“It’s Neil.”_

“You need to get some sleep. Playing guard dog isn’t going to help anyone when you’re dead on your feet.”

When Andrew didn’t reply, Wymack gave the wall behind him quiet thump with his fist and left again. The only sound that Andrew could hear after Wymack’s retreating footsteps was the steady beeps of Neil’s heart monitor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! This is my first fic for aftg, so I hope I got most of the characterization down. I actually got this idea when I was in the hospital from a surgery and had a dream of Neil being in a coma (It was also raining in the hospital and playing Amsterdam by Coldplay, but I don't think I'll be putting that in the fic aha).
> 
> Anyways! I'm rambling. I really hoped you liked the first chapter and that you decide to stick around. If you see any mistakes, definitely message me or comment and I'll fix it.
> 
> My tumblr is sunshine-knox if y'all wanna chat n stuff :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a playlist at the end if anyone wants to listen to it :)

Now that the adrenaline had drained from his body, Andrew could feel the acute exhaustion tugging at his bones. The chair he’d been sitting in for the last several hours still hurt, but not enough to keep Andrew’s eyes from drooping closed every couple of minutes. Every time he caught himself drifting off, he would jerk back awake and find something to keep him from falling asleep. A couple times he got up and paced around the room. He thought about getting himself a cup of coffee, but Andrew wasn’t willing to leave Neil for that long. 

His headache had gotten steadily worse, progressing from a dull ache in his temples to an incessant throb, made worse by the lack of sleep. Andrew massaged the space between his eyes as they fell closed. He stayed like that for several minutes before shaking himself awake again.

The sun had passed its peak in the sky, and was starting to sink again. Sunlight filtered into the room and lit everything on fire in a blaze of golden light. It highlighted Neil’s flaming hair and seemed to deepen the shadows on his face cast from his scars. The light seemed to wash out Neil’s bruises, and for a second, if Andrew ignored all the tubes and tuned out the heart monitor, he could pretend that Neil was only sleeping and he would be awake in a couple of hours. He would give anything to see the icy blue of Neil’s eyes. 

A song about runaways interrupted Andrew’s thoughts, and after a brief hesitation he took his phone out of his pocket and glanced at the screen. Andrew debated letting the phone continue to ring, just so he could listen to the lyrics of the song. For three years now, his ringtone has been the same. Andrew wondered if Neil had kept the ringtone too, and decided he did, that sentimental idiot. The number calling him wasn’t programmed into his phone, but Andrew would know Aaron’s phone number at a glance, regardless of his eidetic memory.

Andrew didn’t say anything when he pressed _answer,_ instead he just put the phone to his ear and waited his brother out. It didn’t take very long. Maybe Aaron was surprised that Andrew bothered answering at all. “Nicky is getting some things from the dorm. Unless you want to wear the same pair of underwear for three days, I suggest texting him what you want.”

Andrew was quiet for another couple of seconds before giving a grunt of affirmation and hanging up. The only clothes Andrew had with him were the clothes he was wearing before the accident. He had pulled on a pair of sweats and one of Neil’s baggy gray hoodies that Andrew hated so much before leaving their dorm room, keys in hand. Andrew tapped out a quick _phone charger_ before pressing send, assuming Nicky could figure out the rest. A few minutes later, Nicky texted back _anything else?_ But Andrew ignored it and put his phone back in his pocket. 

It took almost forty minutes before Nicky popped his head in the hospital room, bag in hand. Andrew idly wondered what took him so long, as the hospital was only a little over fifteen minutes away, but dismissed the thought as unimportant. Nicky glanced at Neil with an expression that reminded Andrew of a kicked puppy before stepping into the room. To Andrew’s mild surprise, Aaron was right behind him. 

Nicky looked more composed than he did this morning, but he still looked tired and sad from where he stopped in front of Andrew. Andrew only endured Nicky’s unhappy stare for another second before grabbing the bag from his hands. He dropped it by his chair, deciding to check what they brought him after they had left. 

“We got you three pairs of clothes and stuff. And your phone charger,” Nicky said. Andrew just stared up at him. “We stopped by the store to get you some food too, since you probably haven’t eaten anything since last night, and I’d imagine you’re probably hungry. I didn’t know what you’d want to eat so I got-“

“Nicky,” Aaron cut into Nicky’s nervous babbling with an impatient warning. Nicky grimaced but stopped talking. Aaron had come further into the room than he did before, but he still kept his distance. He leaned against the wall Wymack had just hours prior with his arms tight across his chest. Aaron’s mouth was pulled down into a frown and he looked angry, but Andrew didn’t think it was because of Nicky. It seemed to be his default expression when Andrew had first met him, and Andrew didn't realize it had begun to smooth out until he saw the angry frown reappear.

Nicky cleared his throat. “We, ah, heard that the other guy died in the crash,” he stammered. He meant the drunk driver. The corner of Andrew’s lips twitched into an almost-frown as he looked back at Neil. The golden light was gone as it got darker outside, replaced with gray light that cast Neil's face in shadows. After the police had told Andrew what happened- that they were hit by a drunk driver, and that the man was killed on impact as he was ejected out the windshield- Andrew hadn’t told anyone. Wymack must have gotten it from the police when he arrived at the hospital, who then relayed that information to the other foxes. 

He was glad the driver was dead. If he had survived, Andrew would have hunted him down and killed him himself with his bare hands. Andrew didn’t believe in revenge, it was a waste of time that never accomplished anything, but looking at Neil in the hospital bed lit a fire underneath his skin that threatened to engulf the entire room and everything beyond it. Andrew’s hands twitched with barely-restrained violence, similar to the time Neil went missing and Kevin had answers, or when Nicky was attacked outside of Eden’s years ago. Andrew smothered the flames before they could overwhelm him. That too, was familiar.

“You should really eat. Here-“ Nicky tried to hand Andrew a Wendy’s bag but Andrew ignored it.

“I don’t want it.”

“God damnit, Andrew, you need to eat,” Aaron snapped. Andrew didn’t look up at his brother at the sudden outburst, choosing to ignore that too. Aaron pushed himself away from the wall and snatched the bag away from Nicky. Nicky made a sound in the back of his throat that could have been a protest, but he made no move to stop him. Aaron pushed passed him and dropped the bag in Andrew’s lap. “You look like absolute shit and I’ll put money on the fact that you haven’t once left this room. Eat the damn food.”

Andrew lifted an impassive look at his brother and was met with the force of Aaron’s glare. He could have easily waited him out, but Andrew _hadn’t_ eaten since last night, and his stomach- the absolute traitor- growled at the smell of fries. Andrew rolled his eyes, wondering when his brother had gotten so ballsy, and looked in the bag to find chicken nuggets, fries, and a large chocolate frosty. Aaron took his triumphs from where he could get them and retreated back to the far wall. 

Andrew ate the frosty first, mostly to spite Aaron, but he finished that quickly despite trying to eat slowly and started on the fries. He tried to shoo away the memory of him and Neil dipping their fries in ice cream after Neil had seen Kevin bitching at Nicky for doing it. Andrew was still hungry after he had finished the nuggets, but he didn’t care. His stomach felt a little better after eating, not that he was about to admit that to Aaron and Nicky.

The room fell into another long silence. Andrew and Nicky watched Neil, Aaron studied Andrew, and Neil was still unconscious. Nicky, twisting his fingers into the hem of his jacket while he searched for something else to say, decided to fill the silence. “We weren’t sure how long you would be here, so if you need more clothes just text me or something…the dorms are closed tomorrow but we can probably figure something out.”

The dorms are closed tomorrow. Today was Sunday, which meant tomorrow would be the first day of winter break. Andrew knew Nicky was planning to go to Germany for the break and Aaron was going to Katelyn’s parents’ house. Andrew had learned that from a hesitant Nicky, probably expecting an angry reaction from Andrew, but Andrew was past caring about what Aaron and the cheerleader did. Aaron could do what he wanted. 

Kevin and Robin were staying with Wymack and Abby, and he and Neil were supposed to go to Columbia. Instead, he would be spending his break with an unconscious Neil, alone. Andrew hadn’t bothered learning where the rest of the team was going besides Renee, who was staying with her foster mother. He wondered if any of their plans would change now that Neil was in the hospital. 

Andrew nodded and waited to see if Nicky would say anything else. Nicky shuffled from foot to foot and said, “It’s getting pretty late, so we should probably head back to the dorm. If you need anything, text me. And Aaron’s right, you need to sleep.”

Andrew didn’t say anything, so Nicky sighed, “Watch yourself, Andrew. We’re here for you if you need anything.”

And with that, he and Aaron left. Andrew was still tired, but he wasn’t going to let himself sleep. Instead he grabbed the bag Nicky packed and pulled it onto his lap. In it were three shirts, a couple pairs of jeans, sweats, and a hoodie that belonged to Neil. Andrew wondered if Nicky had realized that, but he didn’t dwell on it for long. The idea of someone going through his stuff made Andrew’s skin crawl, but he shoved the feeling away and traded out the hoodie he was wearing for the clean one. There was also some toothpaste and a toothbrush, water, and fruit that was probably from Kevin that Andrew promptly tossed to the bottom of the bag. 

Andrew plugged the phone charger into the wall and hooked his phone to it. He pulled his legs up onto the chair and draped his arms over his knees. He rested his chin on top and let out a sigh. The room was completely dark now, the only light came from the distant lights from the city and the thin strip of yellow from the fluorescent hospital lights in the hallway. 

Neil was excited for winter break, even if he didn't say it. It would have been the first year they would have spent it together. Last year, Andrew was in East Haven while Neil spent his break in Evermore. East Haven was far from pleasant, and thinking about it formed a pit of anxiety in Andrew's stomach that he didn't want to dwell on. It made him angry, and he used that anger to smother the panic that lurked beneath it. It was easiest to feel angry, that way. Andrew didn’t really care about Christmas in general, Christmas in his foster homes were spent either staying out of the way where he couldn't bother anyone, or staying out of sight so no one could hurt him. Neil doesn't talk about it, but he never really celebrated holidays either. But it wasn't the holiday they were excited about, not really. Seeing Neil look so happy and alive did things to Andrew’s chest that he didn’t know how to understand, not when he was the reason Neil looked that way. And if Andrew was being honest with himself, he had been looking forward to having two weeks with Neil to himself, too. 

Suddenly, panic seized in Andrew’s chest and he squeezed his arms tighter around his legs. Where the prospect of Neil not waking up had only seemed like a hazy nightmare before, it was becoming a very real possibility. Andrew never let himself think too far ahead in the future, but he couldn’t remember when he began to expect Neil to be there with him. The thought of him being gone for good scared Andrew more than he would have liked to admit. 

Andrew's eyes swept the room, cataloging every corner like his runaway would have done, before snapping back to said runaway. Neil’s face was obscured by darkness, and for one irrational second, Andrew thought he had disappeared. Andrew could still hear the heart monitor and the other machines whirring, but he needed to know for sure Neil was still here. He needed to know Neil was still breathing, that he wasn’t gone yet, that he hadn’t left Andrew behind. Andrew lurched to his feet and was at Neil’s side in a second. He quieted his ragged breathing and put his ear to Neil’s chest, fingers hovering over the fabric of Neil's hospital gown. Andrew couldn’t calm down until he heard the steady beating of Neil’s heart, and the slow rise-and-fall of his chest.

Andrew retreated back to his seat with uneven, jerky movements and let out a shaky breath. Under the suffocating darkness, with no one else around, Andrew had a hard time pulling himself together into his usual unbreakable facade. After a while, the heart monitor’s beeps began to sound like a chant in Andrew’s head. _Alone. Alone. Alone._ He was alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends, i am so sorry this came out super duper late.... i meant to write this up and post it like two weeks ago but i got completely SLAMMED with school and exams and stuff. but now it's winter break so i have plenty of time to write!
> 
> thank you guys so much for all the support and love, it means a lot to me, and i'm really glad that y'all are liking it so far!
> 
> anyway, i hope you liked the chapter :)
> 
> also, i made an andreil playlist if anyone wants to listen: [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/222zagmm5t5j62g5v55uqmuea/playlist/01Am54IONaCIlignbamtMq)


	3. Chapter 3

Andrew didn’t remember falling asleep, and he only dimly acknowledged waking up again. One minute he was struggling to stay conscious as the sky outside slowly started to lighten into a dull gray, and the next he’s peeling his eyes open to see afternoon light streaming in through the window. He looked around the room, even though he’s already memorized every detail of it, and tried to reorient himself. His thoughts were sluggish, and despite the couple hours Andrew lost to sleep, he still felt like he’d been hit by a truck. _Oh, wait._

It didn’t take long for Andrew to fall asleep again, no matter how hard he fought to stay awake. He figured if anything were to happen, he would wake up. The thought hadn’t soothed his nerves as well as he’d wanted, but his body was already shutting down, so Andrew couldn’t really protest. 

Usually, when Andrew woke up in the mornings, he woke quietly, a seamless slip from dream back into reality. Even when he had his nightmares, he wasn’t one to jerk awake, like Neil, or thrashing and screaming, like Kevin sometimes did. When Andrew had nightmares, it didn’t necessarily stop when he opened his eyes again. His nightmares were memories that constantly played like an old movie in the back of his head. His mind didn’t need to make anything up to leave Andrew feeling like he was seven again, helpless and hurt. 

That’s why this nightmare was so unusual. 

It wasn’t a memory, not really. But it _felt_ real. Andrew had been sitting in his chair in the gray hospital room, and then he was standing in a road in the middle of nowhere. He vaguely thought he should move to the side, out of the way of any cars that might come, but he couldn’t will his body to move. He felt weighted down, like the air was ten times heavier than what it was supposed to be. The road disappeared into the horizon under the faded stretch of sky, and there wasn’t anything else around him except for the tall dead grass on either side of the road. Everything looked strange and lifeless, like all the color was bleached out of the world and left out in the sun to dry. Andrew strained to hear something but there was nothing except for a faint humming noise in his ears that reminded Andrew of electricity.

There was a buzzing underneath Andrew’s skin. It felt like a warning. Like something terrible was about to happen and his body was preparing for it. Andrew heard a noise behind him, a scuff of a boot on asphalt. He twisted around, but he moved like he was caught in a sea of molasses. A figure stood behind him, off to the side of the road. With a flame of red hair and bright blue eyes, he was the only vibrant color in the wide expanse of gray and dull. It was Neil, and he was staring at Andrew with a familiar smirk on his lips. 

Neil cocked his head to the side and motioned for Andrew to follow. Neil turned and began to walk away, his hand trailing over the long tips of grass. The yellow began to bleed back into the grass under Neil’s touch like a breath of life, before slowly fading out again as Neil walked away. The hum in the air grew louder and it felt distinctly _wrong._ Andrew tried to call out, but his throat was dry and when he opened his mouth the words died on his tongue in a dry croak. 

Neil stopped and turned around again as if he had heard Andrew anyways. The buzzing grew louder, until it was a roar in Andrew's ears. He wasn’t smiling anymore, instead his brow was wrinkled in what could have been frustration, what could have been concern. He seemed dimmer and stretched, like a flickering image on an old reel of film. He opened his mouth and _bang._ There was a flash and the image of Neil shattered as the ground disappeared underneath Andrew's feet. It was dark, dark, dark and Andrew was falling-

Andrew startled awake with a choked gasp and for a couple long seconds all he was aware of was his own heartbeat _thump, thump, thumping_ in his chest. He swallowed the left-over dusty feeling in his throat and glanced to the source of the noise. Nicky was standing in front of the door like a deer caught in headlights, his hand outstretched to the doorknob. “Sorry- I didn’t, I thought–“ He stammered, still frozen to his spot. 

Not wanting to wait for Nicky to sort through his shit, Andrew shifted in his seat and glared at his cousin. He uncurled his fingers clasped around the arm of the chair and flexed his hand, working out the ache. Nicky sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I didn’t realize you were asleep, and I didn’t think the door would shut so hard. Shit,” Nicky sighed again, and he looked as tired as Andrew felt. Andrew settled back into his chair and did a quick assessment of himself. His head and his shoulder was hurting again, but he was getting used to that. He hated how his composure had been cracked, but every time he blinked he saw the image of Neil bursting into a million glassy pieces like the windshield of the Maserati. 

“Why are you here?” Andrew asked- except it wasn’t so much as _asking_ , as it was a raspy demand. Nicky was quiet for a moment before he walked over and sat in the chair besides Andrew. 

“Renee’s at the café, getting some food. I know it’s not much for a Christmas Eve dinner, but–“

Andrew’s mind blanked. Christmas Eve. He hadn’t realized it was so close to Christmas as the irrelevant holiday had almost completely slipped from his mind. He didn’t care about Christmas, but he also knew Nicky’s flight was supposed to leave this morning. 

“You’re supposed to be in Germany. Why aren’t you?” Andrew interrupted. Nicky stopped and turned a befuddled look on Andrew. Andrew kept his gaze firmly on the railing of Neil’s bed. He couldn’t quite bring himself to look at the boy laying in the bed. 

“When I said that we’re here for you, I meant it. We aren’t going to leave you, Andrew. You and Neil are family.” Nicky’s words were slow and slightly strained, like he was thinking hard of what to say and how to say it. His throat bobbed and his eyes were crinkled at the corners, making him look years older than he actually was. 

It wasn’t the first time Andrew had heard Nicky call him family, and he _knew_ that they were, but maybe a part of him had never fully believed it. Andrew realized he had always assumed that Nicky and Aaron would end up leaving eventually. Andrew didn’t really know what to do with this new information. “And Aaron?” He asked instead.

“He’s with Katelyn,” Nicky said. Andrew knew that already. “He’s just saying goodbye before she leaves to go home.”

And that, that was surprising too. Aaron and Nicky were both staying in South Carolina for the break. They had cancelled their plans and stayed here. Because of Neil. Andrew clenched his jaw. For some reason Nicky staying here made Andrew want to push him farther away. He didn’t understand why Nicky had stayed so long, or why he had left his _happy_ life with Erik in Germany to take care of Andrew and Aaron. Andrew shrugged the thoughts away and pulled his defenses tighter around himself. 

“I don’t need you here.” Andrew said, coating his words with as much steel as he could. Nicky didn’t seem to be hurt by Andrew’s harsh words, years of putting up with his cousins' spiky personalities meant he couldn't be phased anymore. Nicky just looked at him like he was searching for something. Andrew felt like he was under a microscope and it made him uncomfortable to be watched, but he had never expected Nicky to understand him, and he had stopped thinking that Nicky would keep trying. He wondered what Nicky was looking for. Whatever it was, Andrew was sure he wouldn’t find it. _There was nothing to find_ , he wanted to tell him.

Nicky opened his mouth to respond, but the door swung open again; it was a lot quieter as Renee walked in, her arms full of sandwiches and what looked like microwavable pasta. Nicky smiled a small smile at Renee, and Andrew shook off the remaining tension in his shoulders. Renee returned Nicky’s smile and sent another one Andrew’s way. Andrew let it bounce right off of him. Renee passed out the sandwiches and took the pasta for herself before leaning against the wall on Andrew’s other side. “How is he doing?” She asked with a nod towards Neil.

“Still unconscious,” Andrew replied. Nurses had come in and out of the room several times, but they never gave more information than a curt _stable_ when he demanded answers. Andrew finally let his eyes trace over Neil’s sleeping frame like he had a hundred times before. He focused on the rise and fall of Neil’s chest and matched his breathing to it.

Renee nodded. “How are you, Andrew?” Renee’s voice was calm and patient; in ways she reminded Andrew of Bee. Thinking about Bee made Andrew want to call her, and he began to wonder if anyone had told her about the accident. Surely Wymack or Abby would have. Renee prompted, “Andrew?”

Andrew shrugged. “I’ve been better.” He didn't want to talk about it. He wanted to be left alone. He wanted his control to stop unraveling at the seams. He wanted Neil to wake up. He wasn't supposed to start wanting again.

They began to eat after that. Andrew shredded his turkey and drop-of-mustard-sandwich (He had peeled off the lettuce) into bite-sized pieces before slowly chewing them. It tasted like ash in his mouth, making his fingers itch for a cigarette. He’d been without nicotine since the night before the accident and it was making him antsy. Andrew thought about lighting up in the hospital room and debated how quickly it would get him kicked out, this wasn't a smoking room. It wasn’t worth it. 

Andrew finished eating before the other two, so he clasped his hands together and draped them over his knees, willing his body to stay still. He was already feeling exhaustion creep back like a pest. Andrew wondered if he should be sleeping at all, since he had a concussion. He decided he didn’t care.

“The others wanted to be here.” Nicky’s voice broke through the thick silence. “But Matt and Dan left earlier today, they tried to stop by but...”

Andrew didn’t care what the others did. He only listened for his people. “Kevin and Wymack are handling press, the vultures already have their claws in all this mess. Also, about the car.” Nicky hesitated, finally taking a breath of air. “The damage didn’t seem to be as bad as they thought. They’re thinking they’ll be able to fix it up.”

The Maserati. Andrew hadn’t thought about his car at all since he was in the hospital. It was there, in the back of his mind, but it hadn’t been important at the time. The last time Andrew had seen the Maserati, it was on the side of the road with shattered windows and a giant dent in the side. 

When Andrew didn’t say anything, Renee gently cleared her throat. “I saw some showers and bathrooms down the hall. If you wanted to go clean up, Nicky and I can stay here with Neil.”

Andrew tilted his head and thought about it. His skin felt grimy and itchy, and his mouth tasted gummy. He had barely left the hospital room at all, except to go to the bathroom. But even then, there was a small bathroom connected to Neil’s room, so Andrew wasn’t really leaving. There wasn’t a shower or a mirror in there, however. Andrew nodded and rummaged through the bag Nicky had brought for clean clothes, a toothbrush and toothpaste, and a towel before slowly making his way to the showers. 

The bathroom was deserted when Andrew walked in. There was an entire row of showers, but they all had stalls with locks so he didn’t complain. It was more difficult getting clean than Andrew thought, he had to take off his sling so that he could use both arms. His shoulder was a still little sore, but it wasn't throbbing so he ignored it and undressed. After a moment's hesitation, he peeled off his armbands as well. The hot water felt good on his body, and he took a couple minutes to close his eyes and rest his forehead against the cool tiles as the water streamed down his body. After that, Andrew washed quickly. It didn’t take long, considering he didn’t have any soap with him. But he ran his fingers through his hair and worked out the tangles the best he could. Afterwards he dressed in the fresh clothes and brushed his teeth before returning to room 301. 

Renee and Nicky were talking about something in low voices when Andrew walked back in. Renee smiled when she noticed Andrew in the doorway. “Better?” she asked. Andrew nodded and stepped into the room, but he stayed standing; his legs were cramping from being in the chair for so long. 

Nicky and Renee picked up their conversation. They were talking about what they had gotten the other foxes for Christmas. Nicky kept trying to get Renee to tell him what he had gotten for him, but Renee only smiled and didn’t budge. Andrew tuned them out and leaned against the foot of Neil’s bed, facing in the direction Nicky and Renee were seated. He closed his eyes and absentmindedly ran his fingers over the hospital blanket covering Neil’s legs. It took him a second to realize the conversation had stopped, and Renee had called his name. 

“Andrew?” Renee said again. Andrew opened his eyes and noted both Nicky and Renee watching him. He retreated his hand and rested it in his lap. “It’s getting late. Do you want us to stay? The rest of the foxes that haven’t left already are going to come here tomorrow, if that’s alright.”

Andrew shook his head. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.” He said. 

Renee smiled again, and moved to get up. Nicky looked like he wanted to object, but he looked from Andrew to Renee and decided to keep quiet. Renee stood in front of Andrew and gently squeezed his arm, moving slow enough that Andrew could move away if he wanted to. “We’ll see you tomorrow.”

With that, she and Nicky left, and Andrew curled up in his chair and fell into a dreamless sleep.

~ ~ ~

It was Christmas day, and Andrew was staring out the window. He’d been awake for almost an hour now, he'd been woken by a nurse that came to check up on Neil. It was Joseph, and he had given Andrew a stern look and a halfhearted lecture for taking his sling off. Andrew gave him a bored stare, and Joseph sighed and shook his head, admitting that it was probably time for Andrew to take it off anyways. 

It didn’t take long for the rest of the foxes to arrive. Andrew heard them coming before he saw them file into the room. It was Andrew’s group, plus Renee and Allison- Andrew wondered when they had become a pair-, Wymack, and Abby. The room was crowded with everyone in it, but Abby began passing out food, so everyone sat where they could- Kevin and Aaron brought in extra chairs from another room, but most of them ended up sitting on the floor anyway. 

Andrew didn’t really participate in any conversation, he focused most of his attention on his food. It was quiet, and less rowdy than fox gatherings usually were; everyone seemed on edge and only Nicky, Renee, and Abby tried to ease the tension of the air. Andrew didn’t bother making an attempt to lighten the mood. They didn’t open presents there, either, but Nicky had a small package neatly gift wrapped sitting to the side. After he was done eating he moved his plate off his lap and grabbed the gift, placing it on the table beside Neil's bed. He smiled for a second and carefully squeezed Neil’s hand before sitting back down on the floor by Aaron. No one mentioned it.

Renee and Allison were the first to leave, as they had a plane to catch. The rest didn’t stay for very much longer. Wymack’s phone kept going off, Andrew assumed it was press and the school. Robin and Nicky wanted to stay longer, not wanting to leave Andrew alone, but they ended up going with Wymack, Abby, Kevin, and Aaron. Abby asked if Andrew wanted to come to her house for awhile and come back later, but Andrew shook his head. 

He was alone again, but Andrew didn’t feel as panicked as he did two days ago. While Andrew still didn’t feel okay, he felt like he was standing on more even ground, and for now, that would have to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls for give me im so lat e
> 
> im SORRY i totally got slammed with life and the first month of 2018 ended up being SUPER busy, so this took forever:/
> 
> ALSO I WAS READING THE LAST TWO CHAPTERS AND FOUND SO MANY ERRORS AND MESSED UP A LOT OF THINGS SO IM LOWKEY DYING INSIDE but the show must go on
> 
> i hope this chapter was alright and that you all liked it! i appreciate every single comment!! you guys seriously make me wanna cry when you leave comments and kudos. 
> 
> if anyone wants to chat, feel free to message me on tumblr over at sunshine_knox :)


	4. Chapter 4

When Andrew woke up this morning, he felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. At least, that’s what he’s been telling himself. He went through the motions of his day like a rusty robot, like a puppet with strings its strings about to be cut. He woke up. Checked on Neil. Went to the bathroom and brushed his teeth. He got something from the food court. He picked at his food and pushed away the rest. He walked back to Neil's room. He sat back down and waited. And waited. And waited. It was the same thing yesterday too, and the day before that. Tomorrow would be the same, unless of course, Neil were to wake up.

But Neil wasn’t showing any signs of waking. Andrew had been relentlessly searching the internet and interrogating doctors, to make sure that something wasn’t _wrong._ But something _was_ wrong; Neil had been unconscious for six days now, and Andrew felt like he was falling. 

Except before, when he was falling, he had a safety net underneath him. Andrew had begun to believe that falling for Neil wouldn’t break him, wouldn’t shatter his stitched-together body into a hundred thousand shards. Because Neil was _there_. But now he was not, he was gone and there was nothing below Andrew except empty air and hard concrete. 

_No._ Neil wasn’t gone yet. _He wasn’t_. Andrew was still waiting for Neil to wake up. But every passing day got harder and harder, and Andrew was getting more on edge. 

Renee had boarded her plane Christmas day after everyone had left Neil’s hospital room, but Nicky still visited frequently. Sometimes Kevin, Robin, or Aaron were with him. Wymack a couple times, too. Bee called the day after Christmas, apologetic for not calling him sooner, and Andrew clutched his phone like a lifeline as he let Bee smooth down all of his jagged pieces with her calm voice.

Andrew was lashing out more and more the longer he was in the hospital. With every visit from Nicky, Andrew went from non-verbal to borderline volatile. He spit out words that tasted like acid on his tongue and clutched his armor tighter around himself because underneath it all, Andrew was cracking. He shocked anyone who came near so they wouldn’t see his frayed wires. 

Andrew watched Neil now. He was looking to see if Neil’s fingers twitched, or if he scowled faintly like he sometimes did when he slept. But unless Neil was only moving when Andrew blinked, he wasn’t moving at all, except for the slow rise-and-fall of his chest.

One of the nurses-it wasn’t Joseph, but a stern looking woman with graying hair pulled back in a tight ponytail that was almost shorter than even Andrew was-had taken off Neil’s bandages on his face and changed the ones wrapped around his ribs yesterday evening. Andrew had seen the gash on Neil’s forehead when his bandages were changed before, but those were fleeting glimpses, and the nurse had been blocking most of Andrew’s view. But now the bandages were gone for the time being, allowing his cuts to air out, so Andrew had no problem seeing. The bruising on Neil’s face was starting to turn from dark purple and swelling to a sickly green color. He went from looking like a battered punching bag held together by duct-tape, to a slightly less-beaten punching bag with six stitches above his left eye. The gash was gnarled and irritated where the stitches dug into his skin. It would definitely scar. _Another scar to add to his collection,_ Andrew thought.

Anger bubbled up underneath Andrew’s skin, sudden and hot enough to evaporate everything left over in Andrew’s veins. He fought to beat it back down, but looking at Neil, like this, made something dark and sharp push at the seams of Andrew’s walls. He felt helpless. This wasn’t a battle Andrew could fight. He couldn’t use his fists or his knives to ensure Neil’s safety. There wasn’t anyone for Andrew to protect Neil from. It frustrated him to no end having to wait in that damn hospital chair with nothing to do but wait for Neil to wake.

Irrationally, Andrew thought about old fairy tales that he had read when he was younger. About a princess who falls into a deep slumber caused by a witch and could only be awakened by a kiss. Andrew scoffed. Neil wasn’t asleep because of some curse. He was asleep because of a car accident. Kissing him wouldn’t wake him up, and Andrew definitely wasn’t going to kiss Neil while he was unconscious. (And Andrew wasn’t a prince). They were stupid stories, anyway.

Andrew scooted his chair closer to the hospital bed. He had barely touched Neil at all since he arrived in the hospital, and he didn’t really know why. Hesitantly, he reached out and skimmed his fingers across Neil’s arm before drawing his hand away again. Andrew almost expected Neil to disappear like he had in Andrew’s dream a few days ago. But nothing happened.

Andrew had seen on tv shows where people try to talk to a person when they were in a coma- _when they were asleep, Andrew didn’t want to think of Neil being in a coma-_ like it would help the person wake up somehow. Andrew didn’t think they could actually hear anything at all, but maybe that wasn’t the point. Maybe the point was for the people talking. “Neil.” Andrew started slowly, ignoring the way his voice grated against his throat. “Wake up. You need to wake up.” _I need you to wake up._

Andrew waited a beat before clenching his jaw. He said nothing after that, pretending deep down that he hadn't expected Neil to react to his words, and instead fell into the usual silence.

~ ~ ~

His phone lit up (He turned off his ringer, hearing _that song_ made Andrew angry) and Andrew reached for it immediately, seeing the name on the screen. “Bee,” Andrew said, and let Bee’s voice wash over Andrew’s wounds like a soothing balm. He let her talk for a while. Mostly about nothing. Neither of them cared about small talk, but it was enough to hear her voice.

After Bee’s calm voice quieted and she drew to a close, Andrew cleared his throat. “Bee,” he started, not really sure how to untangle all the thoughts in his head and put them into coherent words. Really, he just wanted to hit something. Andrew closed his eyes and imagined he was in Bee’s office with a hot chocolate in his hands. Bee was patiently waiting for Andrew to talk, he knew she would wait for as long as he needed. All he said was, “I can’t lose him.”

~ ~ ~

It was nearing late-afternoon, and Andrew had his fingers pressed into Neil’s pulse in his wrist, careful of the IV in his hand and the wires leading to it. Andrew was trailing his eyes over Neil’s scars. He knew where each and every one was by memory. The burn and knife scars on his arms and face left after Baltimore were the most noticeable, as most of Neil’s scars were under his shirt. Andrew moved his free hand and hovered it over where he knew the hot iron mark was on Neil’s shoulder, and then moved his hand over the bullet hole, pressing down slightly with his finger. Andrew’s eyes trailed over Neil’s chest and stomach, retracing every battle Neil had survived and won. Finally, Andrew pressed his hand flat against Neil’s chest where he could feel the bandages underneath the hospital gown and the faint beating of Neil’s heart. It matched perfectly with the pulse in his wrist and the beeping of the heart monitor.

Andrew’s breath caught in his chest as he struggled to draw air into his lungs. He tightened his grip on Neil’s wrist a fraction until he was able to suck in a deep breath of air. He was so focused on breathing as deep as he could, Andrew nearly missed when Neil’s own breathing stuttered, just a little. Andrew froze, suddenly fully alert. His eyes were glued to Neil’s face for almost a full minute, not daring to blink. 

Just as Andrew thought he must have imagined it, Neil’s face twitched, just a tiny bit, a small jerk of an eyebrow. Andrew was holding his breath again, not wanting to breathe in case it made Neil freeze too. Neil’s previously slack face moved again, and this time, Neil turned his head slightly towards Andrew. His eyes flickered open and closed and Andrew was sure his heart had stopped beating. Neil grimaced and Andrew immediately slid his hand from Neil’s chest to behind his neck. “Neil,” he said. 

Neil’s eyes opened again, and his brow was furrowed, like he was disoriented. Andrew drank in the blue of Neil’s eyes while Neil squinted up at him. Neil opened his mouth and tried to say something, but all that came out was a dry cough. He swallowed several times before trying again. He mumbled something incomprehensible, and then finally seemed to be able to form his lips around the right words. “Where ‘m I?” 

“The hospital,” Andrew answered. His heart was hammering in his chest, and he couldn’t do more than hold Neil’s arm and let his eyes roam everywhere around Neil's face. Even quiet and rough, Neil’s voice seemed to wash away some of the jagged edges Andrew hadn’t realized he had sticking out of this skin. For several seconds, neither Andrew or Neil said anything and Neil began to close his eyes again. Fearing he was slipping back unconscious, Andrew was about to call a nurse when Neil coughed again. 

“I don’t…” he started, his clumsy words slurring together. “Let go of me. I don’t know who you are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END
> 
> sorta
> 
> there's gonna be a part two, but i think i might edit this one a bit more and fix some mistakes that i found. and, to make posting more regular, i may just write the whole thing (or at least most of it) before i post the first chapter. i will also be working on some other ideas that i have! so yeah :D
> 
> anyway i'm really grateful to all the people who stuck around and continued to read, and to all the people who left comments!! i appreciate y'all a lot!! 
> 
> if any of you want to chat, go ahead and message me on my tumblr at sunshine_knox :)

**Author's Note:**

> hey! it’s been a couple months since i posted the last chapter, but i just went through and edited all four chapters a little bit. 
> 
> i got rid of some inconsistencies, tried to make some other things flow more smoothly, and also added a couple touch-ups. nothing too major has been changed however, so don’t sweat missing out on too much:)
> 
> also! i’m already starting to work on part two of pause, called restart. if anyone is interested in beta-ing for me that would be really awesome! just message me over at sunshine-knox on tumblr. i’m hoping to get 1-2 people!
> 
> thanks again to everyone for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos, it means the absolute WOLRD to me! i love you guys!!
> 
> (also, i’m working on some other projects, including the fic i’m writing for the tfc big bang, so check that out if you wanna! there’s gonna be jerejean, more andreil, renison, and some other things as well)
> 
> thank you all <3


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